Cajun Horse Trading

A Yankee has moved to a farm in Louisiana and needs a horse. He goes to see Boudreaux to look for a suitable animal. After looking over Boudreaux's herd, he picks one out and asks the price.

"Oh, I don't tink you want to buy dis one. He no look so good.", Boudreaux says.

"Nonsense", replies the Yankee. "He looks fine. I'll take him."

"No", says Boudreaux, "He no look so good."

But after several back and forths and some price negotiation, the Yankee hands over some money, puts the horse in the trailer and drives off.

The next day the Yankee is back and he is spitting mad.

"You sold me a horse that is blind.", the Yankee protested. "I want my money back."

"I tol' you he no look so good!", Boudreaux responded.

A Mustang and his Hunting Dog

A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying
a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to
visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the
Mustang's new bird dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best.

The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined,
saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that
he couldn't part with him. Six months later the same Admiral returned
for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang
breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to Chief?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to
hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief.' After that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

(This joke courtesy of the late Doug Clower, Viet Nam POW from an old email)

Engineer Humor

One morning 3 Engineers and 3 Geologists were in a ticket line at the train station.The 3 Geologists each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Engineers bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Geologists.
"Watch and learn" answered one of the Engineers.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Geologists sat down, but the 3 Engineers crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Geologists saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Engineers didn't buy even 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Geologists.
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Engineers.
When they boarded the train the 3 Geologists crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Engineers crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Engineers left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Geologist's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

Travel Plans

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my boss, work and
politicians who affect my life.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older and
as my muscles get weaker.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
get!

I may have been in Continent, but I must’ve been sleeping while traveling
through, and some places I'd rather not remember. It's an age thing.

Crisis in the Gulf

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, started taking baths, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and stopped laying around. He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook
him?

Boudreaux explained, ' I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He's dat close, I wanna be good to go!

Aviation Communications

Old NFO posted a series of tower to plane communications. Here are a few I have:

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take off queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Higway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

Grandfathers and Grandmothers

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - just he and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Pop-Pop, it was really wonderful. But, we didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Battle of Trafalger - Updated to Today

"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually,sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

Cajun Funeral

Three friends from Church Point, Louisiana were asked, "When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Thibodeaux said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Fontenot commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!'"

­­

Things that are Difficult to say when Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

No Cajuns Wanted!

British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the cleanup.

Thibodeaux, Boudreaux, and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could....



So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

Engineer Speak

Something to break the oil spill angst.

Liar? and Eating Politicians

Two curmudgeons from Downeast Maine were surveying the landscape when one turned to the other and said, "What d'ya think of that new man down your way? Would you call him an honest man or a liah?"

"Well, I woudn't go so far as to call him a liah, but when he want his cows to come in from pastyah, he's got to get someone else to call 'em!"

(adapted from "Bert and I")


Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller croc turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."