Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Gator Wrangler

A local boy who wants to give the Swamp People some competition

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Fear Mongering

My wife and I declined to watch Obama last night. We did not think he had anything new to offer. What we missed was his fear mongering.

My wife stopped to visit her 85 year old mother this morning and found the woman nearly in tears. She had watched Obama and was convinced that her Social Security was going to be cut off and that the country was headed into a depression worse than the Great Depression she lived through as a child. My wife was able to calm her down, but it was clear that one of Obama's objectives was to scare the elderly - and he was successful.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Boudreaux the Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter called Boudreaux, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided
to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Boudreaux put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Boudreaux was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the
rain poured down,washing the thinned paint from all over the church and
knocking Boudreaux clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Boudreaux was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Inappropriate T Shirts

From the Email Joke File......I cannot verify its accuracy!

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East . (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt

Monday, July 18, 2011

Military Rules

US Army Rangers Rules
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy Seal's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Check hair in mirror.

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Commute FAIL

It came a gully washer this morning. It was raining so hard the damn back up warning on my car was beeping at me. It was sensing the rain drops. The short story is that the streets were flooding so I turned around and came home to wait it out.

Rain metaphors, anyone?

Like a cow urinating on a flat rock....

So hard it would drown a frog......

Anyone else have any?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Points to Ponder

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word or Excel and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

30. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing has happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.

31. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

32. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

33. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

34. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

35. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

36. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

37. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

38. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

39. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Root Canal - FAIL

An old root canal got infected and I had to spend yesterday afternoon at the oral surgeon. He performed a root-ectomy to remove the troublesome appendage. The remaining 2 roots will hold the tooth in place.

The procedure involved cutting off the root at its base and then grinding it smooth. It was remarkably like a welders helper knocking off metal clips and then grinding them smooth, only with cleaner tools.

In two days I've been stabbed in the knee and hammered in the mouth.

The stitches are in and the pain pills are in my pocket. Me go bye bye for a while.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Right Main Bearing Repair

Well, I decided, after much procrastination, to go with the viscous fluid injection for the right knee. While the injection was not real pleasant, it was over in a few minutes and the knee feels better already.

I'll report back after the break in period for the new bearing and let you know how it is.


Saudi Arabia dispatched two more murderers, sans their heads, to Allah last month bringing the Kingdoms year to date total to 14.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Things that are Difficult to say when Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Happy 4th!

Sunday evening was the wedding of one of my nieces. She married a Marine. (She is in Navy the so I guess there could be some jokes about the Marines being under the Navy - but there won't) As could be expected, the grooms fellow Marines were in full on celebration mode. I started to get a little perturbed until I realized that these guys had spent multiple tours in Iraq together. Then it didn't seem so important.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Grandma's Mac and Cheese

This is my wife's mac and cheese. The grandsons love it and won't eat any other kind.

The classic pasta shape for this recipe is elbow macaroni, but any small curvaceous pasta will work. Cook macaroni a little less than al dente as pasta will bake in oven. It's better to make the sauce first and then cook the pasta. For fun try pasta wheels or any other unusual shape.

T = tablespoon, tsp. = teaspoon

8 T of butter
2 cups panko bread crumbs
1 pound elbow macaroni
1 small chopped onion
1/4 tsp celery seed
2 minced garlic cloves
1 tsp. dry yellow mustard, dissolved in 1 tsp. water
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper and hot sauce or Tabasco to taste
6 T flour
3 1/2 cups milk
1 1/4 cups low sodium chicken broth or stock
1/2 pound Swiss cheese, 1/2 pound Colby, 8 oz sharp cheddar cheese shredded (you can vary the cheese and use what ever have on hand i.e. gruyere, havarti, or any good quality cheese that will melt)

Do not add salt to this sauce there is usually enough salt from cheeses, stock and butter, taste sauce and salt if necessary

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

In microwave melt 2 T of butter when melted mix with breadcrumbs , stir and set aside to top dish before putting in oven, may need more melted butter. If so, use additional butter and not part the 6 T left from the original 8 T .

In heated saucepan place butter and melt add garlic, onions cook about 2 minutes and add mustard and water mixture, celery seed and cayenne pepper. Cook until light brown, about 1 minute, add milk and stock and cook until starts to thicken, add all cheese and cook on very low temperature. Whisk to keep from burning until cheese melts. Add hot sauce or Tabasco and salt if necessary. Remove from burner.

Cook pasta according to pkg directions, but because pasta will be baked drain a little before the pasta reaches the al dente stage.

Butter a casserole dish, mix the pasta into the sauce, it will look like there is too much sauce, but it will be perfect. Put it in the casserole and top with buttered panko . Bake 25/30 minutes.

Hope your family enjoys what the grandsons call Grandma's special baked macaroni!!