Liar? and Eating Politicians

Two curmudgeons from Downeast Maine were surveying the landscape when one turned to the other and said, "What d'ya think of that new man down your way? Would you call him an honest man or a liah?"

"Well, I woudn't go so far as to call him a liah, but when he want his cows to come in from pastyah, he's got to get someone else to call 'em!"

(adapted from "Bert and I")


Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller croc turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."